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Communication and Listening Skills for Parents part 2

10/28/2017

SIMPLE SECRETS SUCCESSFUL PARENTS KNOW THAT HELP THEM AVOID THE DISCONNECTION THAT SO MANY PARENTS ARE EXPERIENCING WITH THEIR CHILDREN - PARENTS WITH YOUNG CHILDREN, GET YOUR FREE PARENT VIDEO BELOW

Your child comes to you to talk about a good friend who betrayed their trust. The friend told another child their secrets. When your child confronted this person, they became angry and said that they didn’t want to be their friend anymore. This really hurt your child, as they had been friends for years. Your child is very sad as they are telling you the story. You see the grief, betrayal and sadness all over them and you say, “I know what you are going through. I gave your father the best years of my life for eighteen years, he was having an affair with my best girlfriend for two years, and I just found out about it. Can you believe that? Yep, your father did it alright. You talk about betrayal.” See what just happened? This kind of stealing, or hi-jacking happens all the time and it doesn’t make the initial person feel good at all.

Your child wants to be heard and empathized with, not for their feelings to be ignored and made to feel like your feelings are more important. Your child naturally feels slighted. Their internal dialogue goes something like this, “Okay, it is not safe to express my feelings with her, for she just wants to talk about her feelings instead. I’ll just keep my feelings to myself. Nobody cares anyway about my feelings. I’ll just keep them bottled up inside.” This doesn’t help matters at all. When you can empathize with your children, remove your ego, delete your self-based feelings and focus entirely on the perspective of your child. It is THEIR feelings which are important. It is THEIR perspective that is the only perspective to have. It is THEIR path that is the only path to be on and NOT yours.

When you are in an empathic mode, you are allowing yourself to be led by the other person, in this case, your child. They oversee the feelings which are the main focus. If this idea bothers you that “they are in charge,” then it is your ego and your idea that you must be in control always, that is in the way of your connection and bonding with that precious child of yours. They ARE in charge of the emotional path you both are on. They tell you, either by words or nonverbal communication, the direction you two are to travel. It is their show and not yours. If this is hard to accept, you must ask yourself, “Why can’t I let go of this need to micromanage their lives and control everything? Why is it so hard to be quiet and let them express how they are really feeling without me being critical and contentious? What benefit am I receiving from being disconnected like I am?”

If your child comes to you with a scraped arm from falling off his/her bicycle, you might say, “Oh no, what happened to you? That must really hurt you. Wow, that must have been an awful experience to go through.” Your body language must be congruent with your words for the child to believe your sincerity. You must look really concerned and a little hurt yourself. Remember you are trying to put yourself in their place, so think about how their situation would affect you. Support their expressions of feelings. Blend into their frame of reference. The more empathic you become with your child, the more bonding increases, trust increases and your positive relationship increases.

Kids want to be connected with their parents, not dis-connected. Just like the first connection in the womb through the umbilical cord, children are always seeking connection, because they remember the paradise of the womb. The womb was the ultimate resort. You had everything supplied to you. You didn’t have to do anything, just relax and receive it all. You could swim around if you wanted to, stretch, move or just do nothing, and everything needed was provided. You didn’t even have to worry about pooping or peeing - even that was taken care of. Quite naturally, this kind of heavenly experience is not going to be forgotten. The child subconsciously is going to yearn for that nurturing experience again. Nothing comes close to that kind of paradise. Being connected is very important to the child. Therefore we, as concerned adults, should do what we can to stimulate connection.

Sympathy is demonstrating emotions TO versus WITH them, as in empathy. For example, let’s say a good friend of your child died. You say to your child, “I am so sorry that Johnny died,” and then walk away after a gentle rub on their shoulder. You are not expressing your feelings trying to identify with your child’s feelings, or supporting their feelings or even acknowledging their sorrow. You are just letting them know that you have acknowledged their friend’s death and you felt bad for them. THAT is sympathy. You bring the flowers but not the appropriate feelings needed. There are times when sympathy is very appropriate, such as when a neighbor that you really don’t know has a loss. You want to do something to let them know you are a caring human being, so you just send flowers and a card. As I am intending to build up skills in you, to be the best parent to your child, empathy, not sympathy, is the appropriate trait to internalize.

When you are engaged in a conversation with your children, you are playing either a Communicator Role or a Listener Role. When you are in the Communicator role, you are to use “I” messages to clearly state your position and feelings. It is your turn and time to speak. You have the floor and the full attention of the other party. When you are in the Listener Role, you are to not speak and interrupt. And you cannot wait for the other person to breathe, so you can get your point in and maybe steal the conversation. You are to patiently listen attentively. Make sure you have the main points. You can paraphrase what you understand to be main points, back to the other person, making sure your understanding matches theirs. Your body language reveals that you are interested and engaged in their story. You may give feedback in this manner, “Let’s see if I have this correctly. You said that you will do extra chores to earn some money, so you can buy your own gaming app. Do I have the right understanding?” When it is time to switch roles, you will have to abide by the rules and roles of the Listener, and your child will now have to abide by the rules and roles of the Communicator. To have effective communication, you and your child must stay in your respective roles until it is the appropriate time to switch. Most often, this doesn’t happen. The dominant, self-centered one, the Parent, carries the conversation where THEY want it to go. The child just keeps their feelings and story to themselves. Their voice is not honored and this position of the parent contributes to their disconnection.

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COMMUNICATION & LISTENING SKILLS for Parents part 1

10/19/2017

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There is a tremendous need for everyone, not just Parents and children, to learn more about how to communicate and listen effectively. Communication and listening skills were not taught nor modeled in my house and no one I knew had these skills in their homes. Everybody just did the best they knew how, in their self-centered way, and didn’t bother to find new tools, although the ones employed were obviously not working. Dysfunction continued and poor modeling became the standard in most homes. Many children don’t communicate what they are truly feeling unless they feel comfortable in doing so. Is your home environment welcoming to their spirit of expression? If the environment is not supporting their spirit, if folks are berating them, abusing them, ignoring them, or just not being loving enough, they are not going to feel like opening up. That makes them more vulnerable to more negative energies. Other children are not as sensitive, and they voice their feelings whether they are supported or not. Since I am preparing you to be the best parent you can be, you have to spend some time with this subject. As you are learning more, start paying attention to the expressions or lack thereof in your household.

The first concept I am going to address is “I” messages and “You” messages. “I” messages focus on your feelings and concerns whereas “You” messages focus on criticism and blaming. “I” messages says to you, that you own the problem and that you are responsible for your own emotions whereas “You” messages create a feeling in the other of needing go be guarded and defensive. “I” messages tell you that you are in charge of your feelings, also it makes the other person more relaxed and calm. “I” messages also help in the communication process and makes the other person WANT to listen, and they become motivated to pay attention to you. Instead of saying, “You made me so mad” You could say, “I am feeling angry about what just happened” – Instead of saying, “You were kicked out of class again? You are so dumb!” – You could say, “I am concerned that you are getting put out of class repeatedly, not staying long enough to learn the subject and pass with a good grade. This doesn’t make me feel good at all.” – Instead of saying, “What in the world is wrong with you? Can’t you see that I am on the phone? That TV is entirely too loud. You’re so inconsiderate” – You could say, “I really am feeling frustrated right now because when the TV is so loud I can’t hear what the caller is saying.”

There is no guarantee that your child is going to listen to you even if you take the correct position and use the “I” messages, but at least you have done your part to communicate your feelings. You are also honoring your own inner child by acknowledging your feelings and expressing them. Too often people don’t acknowledge their own feelings. They bury their feelings deep within because they feel like no one wants to be bothered, or no one else cares, so, why should they? If you don’t have a healthy outlet for your feelings, then you are inviting these unacknowledged feelings to surface in unhealthy ways.

As you are getting prepared to be new & improved, wonderful parent, you want to start practicing internally, using “I” messages with yourself. You are going to tell yourself that you are going to honor your divine spirit and your feelings. As you look in the mirror you can say, “I feel good when you feel good. I honor you and all the feelings that you express and don’t express. Yes, Yes & Yes.” As this becomes easier, when you are ready to interact with your child, your words and demeanor will flow naturally. You will soon be able to make your child feel very comfortable as you tell him/her to express him/herself in an honorable way using “I” messages appropriately. Now, you are the excellent model in this area. Their feelings are important! You will tell him/her that you care, love and are interested in their feelings and love to hear them expressed. It makes you feel good to hear them speak about their feelings. Their feelings light up your room. This will certainly make them feel supported, safe, secure, and truly loved. To really know that your parents love to hear your deep-down thoughts, feelings and perspectives is life changing. This will increase the bonding between you two and will have lightning speed results in your personal life.

Good communication also means asking Open Questions as opposed to Closed Questions. If you want to get information, it is important to ask the questions that will give you what you want. Open Questions require description and explanation, whereas Closed Questions produce one syllable responses like “no” or “yes” or “fine.” Questions like, “What kind of things happened to you today?” or “Tell me how your day went today.” As opposed to, “Did you have a good day?” The more the child expresses him/herself to share details of their day, the better they will feel about themselves, and the better they will feel about your relationship. The child will believe you are caring about their feelings and their life. Many people don’t realize this, and they fail to use this simple technique of asking open questions regularly with their children.

When you understand the benefits of demonstrating empathy with your child, you will want to use this as often as the need presents itself. Empathy is sometimes confused with sympathy so we must differentiate the two terms. Empathy is simply a demonstration of feelings WITH them, identifying with their feelings and matching their feelings. Empathy is connecting to and bonding with the other individual, in this case, your children. When you are in an empathic state, your feelings are not important, only the feelings of your child. Naturally you want to help the other person, but you do it from THEIR perspective and not YOUR perspective. You can ask plenty of questions that may influence their thinking about their circumstances, but you must be careful and not advise based on your own thinking. Don't hi-jack the conversation. You must remain Child-Centered and not Self-Centered.

I have told my students that they should keep in mind that, while they are in the empathic role, they don’t exist, only the other person and their feelings exist. So, with this in mind, you are not going to do internal scanning, searching for their answers. And you are not going to steer them based on what you think should happen without complete regard for how they are feeling. The center of focus is always on them and not you. What you express is based on what they are saying. Their perspective is your guiding force. Their view is the view for you to internalize, not yours. In this way, you won’t steal the conversation, by switching the focus from them to you. This happens all the time in conversations.

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SELF-IMAGE for PARENTS part 2

10/11/2017

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It is not the conscious level that controls the subconscious level of thinking, but the subconscious level that controls the conscious level. Nothing is done without reference to the subconscious level of thinking. Its sole function is to follow what you feed it, being totally objective. You can either feed positive producing information or negative producing information, and you are doing just that every day, whether you are conscious of it or not. So, when you notice unfavorable results in your lives, you should look to see what self-image information is being brought forth to your conscious reality. And you do this by first noticing what kind of self-talk you are conducting. The more you can internalize this process, the more you can model and be the example your children.

The healthy parents realize that they are in control of their internal thermostat and when they want change to happen, they reset their thermostat to their desired temperature. They change their self-talk and internal image of themselves. They walk, talk and act differently. They conduct their affairs differently and create new standards for themselves. They chart a different course and stay on their new track. Soon, this new behavior becomes their new habit and then, at that time, it is their new way of being, set on automatic. You are now the excellent model for your children to follow to get and keep their Self-Image high and productive.

Visualizing, imagination and faith in your higher self are three of the most important qualities that successful parents possess. These areas are vital in creating a high producing self-image. The greater your ability to creatively daydream, the better you will be in creating a new future. See why it is so important to encourage your children to dream the best about themselves and their future? Visualizing what you want instead of what you don’t want may seem like common sense to most of us, even though most people follow the later instead of the former. Our mind gives us what we dwell upon, whether it is constant conversation with ourselves or others, or a picture we hold in our minds. This is what you are to pass on to your children. But again, they will really learn by your example.

Are you constantly thinking about these things? - The job that you hate - The people you have to work around that annoy you - The spouse that you are loathing - The bills that keep increasing - The poverty that seems to control you - Your relationships that are depriving you of life -The kids making you mad – Your children always making a mess for you to clean up – The constant fighting among your children - The downward spiraling of your life – Another rough day like yesterday. If you are, then you are subtly giving your subconscious mind more data to feed back to you as more of the same realities. Remember that your subconscious level of awareness only makes real for you what you hold in your mind and your conversations. You see now that you must change your mental pictures and your conversations. When you catch your children creating negative characters of themselves, you must intervene. You have to tell them to form the picture of what they WANT and not what they DON’T WANT. Dwelling on the negative only causes more negative. It is called the Law of Attraction. If you notice, not only children but adults do this all the time. They dwell, post on facebook, share with others, promote news that is negative; all the events that they DO NOT WANT. When they are questioned about it, they say that they just want people to know what is really going on in the world. But at the same time, this avalanche of negativity is lowering their self-image, productivity and self-esteem. They become victims of their circumstances instead of victors of their life. Parents, you must turn this mentality and awareness around with your children. Your children might say, “Oh Mom, I’m just playing or what’s wrong with being the villain or gangster?” You must tell them that in order to have what they want or be what they want to be, they must have a strong image of their desirable experiences, to the point that they can actually taste, smell and feel the image, as if they already have it. Tell them to feel the feelings as if what they wanted was already in their possession. If it is a straight A report card, who is giving it to them? What does it look like? What look is on the teacher’s face as they are giving it to them? How do they feel as they received it? When they hold on to this idea long enough and really feel and own this image, it will manifest itself to them.

Think about a basketball coach telling his team not to miss so many baskets, and wonders why they keep on missing baskets. He is putting the wrong image in their minds and that wrong image keeps on manifesting itself on the court. You operate from the dominant thought, or dominant vibration, in your brain. The dominant thought here is “missing baskets.” The mind does not compute negatives like not. The mind picks up only the objective - “missing baskets.” You tell your kids to stop acting like animals and you get more animal-like behavior. You tell your spouse to stop arguing and stop nagging, and you get more of the same. You have to focus on what you want and you have to internalize and pass this on to your children.

Giving children the vision for creative and productive imagination is a wonderful gift. Children are naturally imaginative, and to encourage them to be more imaginative is such a blessing for you and them. When children talk about their imagination and visions, you should show interest and ask questions that spark them to think more about their mental pictures. Don’t brush them off by saying, “Don’t be silly. There you go with your imaginary friends again.” Who knows, you might have a real visionary, artist, musician, sculptor or even a young medium or psychic on your hands. Support them in their dreams and you’ll be supporting their future accomplishments.

Parents and children can hold firmly to the high standards and high, productive image in their minds regardless of circumstances surrounding and dominating their environment. When children really know the expectations and standards set by their parents, they adjust themselves accordingly. When the parent has in their mind the image of happy, loving, empathic, compassionate, intelligent, and ambitious children, they rise to the occasion. The parent envisions this image and their children can feel that warm energy. It feels good to the children and they respond with a fervent effort to align themselves accordingly. The children will say to themselves, “Hey, I want to see what Mommy/Daddy sees in me. It must be there or they wouldn’t be acting like they do.” And then they go to work on themselves. When the parent consistently tells their children that they are inherently great and highly intelligent, they will paint a new picture for themselves. They will adopt now, a new self-image.

When parents have a high self-image and they demonstrate this with their children, a transformative process can start. Many children have not had parents, or around any healthy adults who honor themselves in this manner. They don’t have the role models in their immediate environment. When they are exposed to mentors or positive parent figures exhibiting a high self-image and are told that they too can own this idea of themselves, a paradigm shift starts to take place. They now see that it IS possible for them to be successful and competent as a responsible, contributing, productive adult. These children now have someone they can emulate and this new experience shapes the way they think about themselves, others and their possibilities in the world.

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SELF-IMAGE for Parents part 1

10/8/2017

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How your children see themselves is what they become. The need for a healthy self-image is crucial for the balanced, emotionally intelligent, future adult. The self-image determines how the young child will develop. The self-image is like a thermostat set in the house for 78 degrees. When the house gets cooler than 78, the heater comes on until the temperature is 78. When the temperature gets above 78, the air conditioner comes on to bring the temperature down to 78. The self-image they set for themselves, consciously or unconsciously, is how they are going to be, despite external conditions. They can rise or fall no further than their self-image.

Here’s a quote from my mentor Dr. Nathaniel Branden on Self-Image. Parents, it is very important that you tune into what self-image is and why it is important for your children to have the best, healthiest, productive self-image they can imagine:

“Self-image or concept includes self-esteem, but it is broader. It concerns my overall perception of my traits, abilities, limitations, shortcomings and strengths. So, self-concept has self-esteem as the evaluative component, but self-concept includes a great deal more-like what is appropriate to me, what I am able to do or not do, what my strengths are and what my limitations are.” -Dr. Branden

If your child has a high self-image of themselves being a great scientist, for example, they are going to be more attentive in their science class. They are going to do well on their tests. They are going to ask intelligent questions which will demonstrate their genuine interests. When they experience some defeat along the way, they will shrug it off and forge on. When they graduate and select a place of employment in which to show their new skills, they walk with confidence and self-assurance. The prospective employer notices this spirit and they are hired. This feedback only raises their confidence level and affirms the self-image that they always envisioned for themselves. You as the supporting parent that you are, must be the cheerleader of this self-image.

Parents, pay close attention: The same principle applies to a person with a low self-image. They never expect much good to come to them and they get exactly that. The Law of Attraction applies right here. They are in the same science class only because their father was a good in science and being in this class will please him. They miss many main points in the class because they were not attentive enough. Your child kind of likes the class, but they don’t see themselves doing well as a scientist or anything else in life. When they get a bad grade, they get reassurance that they don’t measure up with the rest of the class and that, in their mind, they are a loser, which complies with their internal image. They get caught up in the downward spiral of misery and disappointments.
How do your children become successful in school, at acquiring healthy friends, attaining their goals or loving and living life? They must have an internal vision of themselves that reflects their higher self; who they associate with and how life responds to them. There is a way and this is very necessary for your children to know, really accept, and internalize. You are going to tell and show them that High Self-Esteem people are oriented toward challenge and opportunity and Low Self-Esteem people are oriented toward safety and security. You can encourage him or her to think about activities that present challenges and opportunities as they get older. Use some of your own life experiences as examples. This will contribute to them having a high self-image.

“When you see a thing clearly in your mind, your creative ‘success mechanism’ within you takes over and does the job much better than you could do it by conscious effort or willpower.”- Dr. Maxwell Maltz .

As the healthy, conscious parent that you are, you must monitor your self-talk. It is your self-talk that forms your self-image. “Words Make People.” Remember, your children “Be What They See,” not “Be What You Say.” In order for you to help them with their self-talk, YOU have to reflect what you want for them. I know you want to be emotionally strong as you can, first as an individual and secondly as a parent, so it is critically important to verbalize the descriptions and aspirations about yourself in the affirmative posture. They are taking note.

Dr. Maxwell Maltz, from his award winning book, Psycho-Cybernetics, talked about a woman who thought she had an ugly nose and wanted a nose job. She went to a recommended plastic surgeon and went through the procedure. After the surgery and the swelling, the doctor revealed her new nose to her with great anticipation that she would be ecstatic. She looked at herself in the mirror and sadly said that she didn’t see much difference and that she still looked and felt ugly. Her self-image was one of ugliness, so no matter what happened on the outside, her perception was reflected on what was the inside view of herself. Parents, are you listening? Your children sure are.

You want to pay attention to what your child is saying to themselves and see if their self-talk is complimentary or not complimentary. Their self-talk forms their self-image. If you notice that they are saying “I just can’t do it,” “It doesn’t work for me,” “I will never get it,” “No one wants to play with me,” “I am not good enough,” “I can’t get anything right,” “I will never be smart like those people,” “I am the stupid one in class,” “Every time I attempt to get ahead, I get disappointed,” you have to intervene immediately and change their dialogue. You can see now that self-esteem feeds healthy self-image, right? To create changes at their core self-image level, your children need to start with changing their self-talk. As they do this regularly, a pattern is created and it is then easy and natural. It is easier to teach and model to others when it is second nature to you. So, what is your self-talk pattern? Are you in a habit of saying the best about yourself? You want to be a winner? Then say it - “I am a natural born winner,” as you are looking at yourself in the mirror. The mirror is your stage. It is where you practice your lines, your new looks, your new appreciations. Every day you are feeding your self-image storage bank which either works for you or against you. This is what you model for your children.

Your self-image dwells in your subconscious, not at the conscious level. The conscious level is responsible for collecting information from the environment, storing it in the memory cells and making rational decisions. The subconscious is responsible for autonomic body control, such as breathing, heartbeat, the storage of information, and creative goal seeking. The conscious level cannot do anything without consulting with the subconscious level first. The subconscious level checks its storage bank, which houses the self-image and then replays the self-image information back to the conscious level. This is important as you are helping your children form the best self-image possible.

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VISUALIZATION for PARENTS

10/2/2017

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Children naturally come here full of curiosity and as they are like dry sponges, they soak up whatever is in their environment and imagine what else is behind what they are experiencing. In their minds they are asking what this does, what that does - Can I change it? Can it do something else? Can it please me? How does it taste? How does it feel? Can I play with it? Their minds are very active and desire stimulation. They are completely open for new experiences with no biases or judgments. As soon as they are ready for your interaction, you are going to encourage them and join them in their imaginations. When your children experience you loving their playful activities and joining them in their imaginations, they feel ok in continuing these activities. This “visualization muscle” gets strengthened more and more as this validation from you continues. As you encourage them to visualize, telling them that anything is possible and that they can do or be anything they can imagine for themselves, you will see them become motivated to be more creative in general. All it takes is for them to really know that you are supporting their dreams and aspirations.

You might think it is silly to go along and pretend with your kids as they are creating a playful reality or story. You might tell them that they should stop pretending and “get real” or you might even discourage them from engaging in anything you deem as silly or too “childish.” Entering their world would be completely unthinkable for some of you. If someone would ask you to be more compassionate and understanding of your children’s fantasies, you might say “And why would anyone do something so foolish as that?” or “What adult would do such a thing?” or “I’m not thinking about doing any such thing. I am the parent, not another kid.” Now do you see why this is so important to address?

When you support your children in their dreams and visions, you are supporting their creativity and aspirations. When they see you supporting, gently guiding, offering compassionate suggestions and encouragement, those children see no limits in life. This is why you should encourage your children to visualize often. You should help them to dream creatively. Support their dream experiences and ask open questions about their dreams. In this way, you will be supporting their future aspirations, goals and motivations. Their self-esteem, self-image and self-confidence increase dramatically.
Would you call yourself a creative person? When you were very young, did you have dreams that you never manifested? Did you have support for those dreams? Were you allowed to share your dreams and ideas? Was there a welcoming atmosphere in your household for expressions from children? Were your parents encouraging in the areas of your interest? Did you feel really connected to your parents? If your answers are not in the affirmative, then it would be naturally challenging to be the best, loving supporter of your children, because you have no idea what that feels like. You, as the wonderful, motivated parent that you are, will encourage your children to dream their best dreams. You will say to them, “Imagine yourselves as doctors, actors, contractors, stock brokers, musicians, school teachers, social workers, bankers, etc. Right before you go to bed tonight, imagine your best future so that when you dream, your mind will expand the idea. You will wake up feeling so happy and wonderful.” As you support their visions, they will feel better about themselves. Just knowing that your parent is supportive of your aspirations, despite their enormity or abstractness, bonding and trust levels increase. When parents demonstrate that they believe in their children, they believe more in their possibilities.
You, wonderful parents, can use this material to encourage your young ones to chart their own destiny by the power of their own thoughts and imagination. You can tell them that their thoughts are powered by the energy they put behind them. Their young mind can produce wonders and miracles, all with the power of visualization and the strong feelings that accompany them. Tell them that they are the painters and sculptors of their own life. They paint and mold whatever they want to manifest for themselves. They are in control and are in charge of their own path.

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Nazim Rashid

The Compassionate Parent Coach, Author, Personal Growth Coach, Recovery Coach and Professional Speaker. I want the very best for you and I would love to witness you acknowledging the greatness within yourself and acting on the new YOU that you have now become.

Communication and Listening Skills for Parents part 2

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COMMUNICATION & LISTENING SKILLS for Parents part 1

SELF-IMAGE for PARENTS part 2

SELF-IMAGE for Parents part 1

VISUALIZATION for PARENTS

Nazim Rashid

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