SIMPLE SECRETS SUCCESSFUL PARENTS KNOW THAT HELP THEM AVOID THE DISCONNECTION THAT SO MANY PARENTS ARE EXPERIENCING WITH THEIR CHILDREN - PARENTS WITH YOUNG CHILDREN, GET YOUR FREE PARENT VIDEO BELOW
Your child comes to you to talk about a good friend who betrayed their trust. The friend told another child their secrets. When your child confronted this person, they became angry and said that they didn’t want to be their friend anymore. This really hurt your child, as they had been friends for years. Your child is very sad as they are telling you the story. You see the grief, betrayal and sadness all over them and you say, “I know what you are going through. I gave your father the best years of my life for eighteen years, he was having an affair with my best girlfriend for two years, and I just found out about it. Can you believe that? Yep, your father did it alright. You talk about betrayal.” See what just happened? This kind of stealing, or hi-jacking happens all the time and it doesn’t make the initial person feel good at all.
Your child wants to be heard and empathized with, not for their feelings to be ignored and made to feel like your feelings are more important. Your child naturally feels slighted. Their internal dialogue goes something like this, “Okay, it is not safe to express my feelings with her, for she just wants to talk about her feelings instead. I’ll just keep my feelings to myself. Nobody cares anyway about my feelings. I’ll just keep them bottled up inside.” This doesn’t help matters at all. When you can empathize with your children, remove your ego, delete your self-based feelings and focus entirely on the perspective of your child. It is THEIR feelings which are important. It is THEIR perspective that is the only perspective to have. It is THEIR path that is the only path to be on and NOT yours.
When you are in an empathic mode, you are allowing yourself to be led by the other person, in this case, your child. They oversee the feelings which are the main focus. If this idea bothers you that “they are in charge,” then it is your ego and your idea that you must be in control always, that is in the way of your connection and bonding with that precious child of yours. They ARE in charge of the emotional path you both are on. They tell you, either by words or nonverbal communication, the direction you two are to travel. It is their show and not yours. If this is hard to accept, you must ask yourself, “Why can’t I let go of this need to micromanage their lives and control everything? Why is it so hard to be quiet and let them express how they are really feeling without me being critical and contentious? What benefit am I receiving from being disconnected like I am?”
If your child comes to you with a scraped arm from falling off his/her bicycle, you might say, “Oh no, what happened to you? That must really hurt you. Wow, that must have been an awful experience to go through.” Your body language must be congruent with your words for the child to believe your sincerity. You must look really concerned and a little hurt yourself. Remember you are trying to put yourself in their place, so think about how their situation would affect you. Support their expressions of feelings. Blend into their frame of reference. The more empathic you become with your child, the more bonding increases, trust increases and your positive relationship increases.
Kids want to be connected with their parents, not dis-connected. Just like the first connection in the womb through the umbilical cord, children are always seeking connection, because they remember the paradise of the womb. The womb was the ultimate resort. You had everything supplied to you. You didn’t have to do anything, just relax and receive it all. You could swim around if you wanted to, stretch, move or just do nothing, and everything needed was provided. You didn’t even have to worry about pooping or peeing - even that was taken care of. Quite naturally, this kind of heavenly experience is not going to be forgotten. The child subconsciously is going to yearn for that nurturing experience again. Nothing comes close to that kind of paradise. Being connected is very important to the child. Therefore we, as concerned adults, should do what we can to stimulate connection.
Sympathy is demonstrating emotions TO versus WITH them, as in empathy. For example, let’s say a good friend of your child died. You say to your child, “I am so sorry that Johnny died,” and then walk away after a gentle rub on their shoulder. You are not expressing your feelings trying to identify with your child’s feelings, or supporting their feelings or even acknowledging their sorrow. You are just letting them know that you have acknowledged their friend’s death and you felt bad for them. THAT is sympathy. You bring the flowers but not the appropriate feelings needed. There are times when sympathy is very appropriate, such as when a neighbor that you really don’t know has a loss. You want to do something to let them know you are a caring human being, so you just send flowers and a card. As I am intending to build up skills in you, to be the best parent to your child, empathy, not sympathy, is the appropriate trait to internalize.
When you are engaged in a conversation with your children, you are playing either a Communicator Role or a Listener Role. When you are in the Communicator role, you are to use “I” messages to clearly state your position and feelings. It is your turn and time to speak. You have the floor and the full attention of the other party. When you are in the Listener Role, you are to not speak and interrupt. And you cannot wait for the other person to breathe, so you can get your point in and maybe steal the conversation. You are to patiently listen attentively. Make sure you have the main points. You can paraphrase what you understand to be main points, back to the other person, making sure your understanding matches theirs. Your body language reveals that you are interested and engaged in their story. You may give feedback in this manner, “Let’s see if I have this correctly. You said that you will do extra chores to earn some money, so you can buy your own gaming app. Do I have the right understanding?” When it is time to switch roles, you will have to abide by the rules and roles of the Listener, and your child will now have to abide by the rules and roles of the Communicator. To have effective communication, you and your child must stay in your respective roles until it is the appropriate time to switch. Most often, this doesn’t happen. The dominant, self-centered one, the Parent, carries the conversation where THEY want it to go. The child just keeps their feelings and story to themselves. Their voice is not honored and this position of the parent contributes to their disconnection.
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