There is a tremendous need for everyone, not just Parents and children, to learn more about how to communicate and listen effectively. Communication and listening skills were not taught nor modeled in my house and no one I knew had these skills in their homes. Everybody just did the best they knew how, in their self-centered way, and didn’t bother to find new tools, although the ones employed were obviously not working. Dysfunction continued and poor modeling became the standard in most homes. Many children don’t communicate what they are truly feeling unless they feel comfortable in doing so. Is your home environment welcoming to their spirit of expression? If the environment is not supporting their spirit, if folks are berating them, abusing them, ignoring them, or just not being loving enough, they are not going to feel like opening up. That makes them more vulnerable to more negative energies. Other children are not as sensitive, and they voice their feelings whether they are supported or not. Since I am preparing you to be the best parent you can be, you have to spend some time with this subject. As you are learning more, start paying attention to the expressions or lack thereof in your household.
The first concept I am going to address is “I” messages and “You” messages. “I” messages focus on your feelings and concerns whereas “You” messages focus on criticism and blaming. “I” messages says to you, that you own the problem and that you are responsible for your own emotions whereas “You” messages create a feeling in the other of needing go be guarded and defensive. “I” messages tell you that you are in charge of your feelings, also it makes the other person more relaxed and calm. “I” messages also help in the communication process and makes the other person WANT to listen, and they become motivated to pay attention to you. Instead of saying, “You made me so mad” You could say, “I am feeling angry about what just happened” – Instead of saying, “You were kicked out of class again? You are so dumb!” – You could say, “I am concerned that you are getting put out of class repeatedly, not staying long enough to learn the subject and pass with a good grade. This doesn’t make me feel good at all.” – Instead of saying, “What in the world is wrong with you? Can’t you see that I am on the phone? That TV is entirely too loud. You’re so inconsiderate” – You could say, “I really am feeling frustrated right now because when the TV is so loud I can’t hear what the caller is saying.”
There is no guarantee that your child is going to listen to you even if you take the correct position and use the “I” messages, but at least you have done your part to communicate your feelings. You are also honoring your own inner child by acknowledging your feelings and expressing them. Too often people don’t acknowledge their own feelings. They bury their feelings deep within because they feel like no one wants to be bothered, or no one else cares, so, why should they? If you don’t have a healthy outlet for your feelings, then you are inviting these unacknowledged feelings to surface in unhealthy ways.
As you are getting prepared to be new & improved, wonderful parent, you want to start practicing internally, using “I” messages with yourself. You are going to tell yourself that you are going to honor your divine spirit and your feelings. As you look in the mirror you can say, “I feel good when you feel good. I honor you and all the feelings that you express and don’t express. Yes, Yes & Yes.” As this becomes easier, when you are ready to interact with your child, your words and demeanor will flow naturally. You will soon be able to make your child feel very comfortable as you tell him/her to express him/herself in an honorable way using “I” messages appropriately. Now, you are the excellent model in this area. Their feelings are important! You will tell him/her that you care, love and are interested in their feelings and love to hear them expressed. It makes you feel good to hear them speak about their feelings. Their feelings light up your room. This will certainly make them feel supported, safe, secure, and truly loved. To really know that your parents love to hear your deep-down thoughts, feelings and perspectives is life changing. This will increase the bonding between you two and will have lightning speed results in your personal life.
Good communication also means asking Open Questions as opposed to Closed Questions. If you want to get information, it is important to ask the questions that will give you what you want. Open Questions require description and explanation, whereas Closed Questions produce one syllable responses like “no” or “yes” or “fine.” Questions like, “What kind of things happened to you today?” or “Tell me how your day went today.” As opposed to, “Did you have a good day?” The more the child expresses him/herself to share details of their day, the better they will feel about themselves, and the better they will feel about your relationship. The child will believe you are caring about their feelings and their life. Many people don’t realize this, and they fail to use this simple technique of asking open questions regularly with their children.
When you understand the benefits of demonstrating empathy with your child, you will want to use this as often as the need presents itself. Empathy is sometimes confused with sympathy so we must differentiate the two terms. Empathy is simply a demonstration of feelings WITH them, identifying with their feelings and matching their feelings. Empathy is connecting to and bonding with the other individual, in this case, your children. When you are in an empathic state, your feelings are not important, only the feelings of your child. Naturally you want to help the other person, but you do it from THEIR perspective and not YOUR perspective. You can ask plenty of questions that may influence their thinking about their circumstances, but you must be careful and not advise based on your own thinking. Don't hi-jack the conversation. You must remain Child-Centered and not Self-Centered.
I have told my students that they should keep in mind that, while they are in the empathic role, they don’t exist, only the other person and their feelings exist. So, with this in mind, you are not going to do internal scanning, searching for their answers. And you are not going to steer them based on what you think should happen without complete regard for how they are feeling. The center of focus is always on them and not you. What you express is based on what they are saying. Their perspective is your guiding force. Their view is the view for you to internalize, not yours. In this way, you won’t steal the conversation, by switching the focus from them to you. This happens all the time in conversations.
The first concept I am going to address is “I” messages and “You” messages. “I” messages focus on your feelings and concerns whereas “You” messages focus on criticism and blaming. “I” messages says to you, that you own the problem and that you are responsible for your own emotions whereas “You” messages create a feeling in the other of needing go be guarded and defensive. “I” messages tell you that you are in charge of your feelings, also it makes the other person more relaxed and calm. “I” messages also help in the communication process and makes the other person WANT to listen, and they become motivated to pay attention to you. Instead of saying, “You made me so mad” You could say, “I am feeling angry about what just happened” – Instead of saying, “You were kicked out of class again? You are so dumb!” – You could say, “I am concerned that you are getting put out of class repeatedly, not staying long enough to learn the subject and pass with a good grade. This doesn’t make me feel good at all.” – Instead of saying, “What in the world is wrong with you? Can’t you see that I am on the phone? That TV is entirely too loud. You’re so inconsiderate” – You could say, “I really am feeling frustrated right now because when the TV is so loud I can’t hear what the caller is saying.”
There is no guarantee that your child is going to listen to you even if you take the correct position and use the “I” messages, but at least you have done your part to communicate your feelings. You are also honoring your own inner child by acknowledging your feelings and expressing them. Too often people don’t acknowledge their own feelings. They bury their feelings deep within because they feel like no one wants to be bothered, or no one else cares, so, why should they? If you don’t have a healthy outlet for your feelings, then you are inviting these unacknowledged feelings to surface in unhealthy ways.
As you are getting prepared to be new & improved, wonderful parent, you want to start practicing internally, using “I” messages with yourself. You are going to tell yourself that you are going to honor your divine spirit and your feelings. As you look in the mirror you can say, “I feel good when you feel good. I honor you and all the feelings that you express and don’t express. Yes, Yes & Yes.” As this becomes easier, when you are ready to interact with your child, your words and demeanor will flow naturally. You will soon be able to make your child feel very comfortable as you tell him/her to express him/herself in an honorable way using “I” messages appropriately. Now, you are the excellent model in this area. Their feelings are important! You will tell him/her that you care, love and are interested in their feelings and love to hear them expressed. It makes you feel good to hear them speak about their feelings. Their feelings light up your room. This will certainly make them feel supported, safe, secure, and truly loved. To really know that your parents love to hear your deep-down thoughts, feelings and perspectives is life changing. This will increase the bonding between you two and will have lightning speed results in your personal life.
Good communication also means asking Open Questions as opposed to Closed Questions. If you want to get information, it is important to ask the questions that will give you what you want. Open Questions require description and explanation, whereas Closed Questions produce one syllable responses like “no” or “yes” or “fine.” Questions like, “What kind of things happened to you today?” or “Tell me how your day went today.” As opposed to, “Did you have a good day?” The more the child expresses him/herself to share details of their day, the better they will feel about themselves, and the better they will feel about your relationship. The child will believe you are caring about their feelings and their life. Many people don’t realize this, and they fail to use this simple technique of asking open questions regularly with their children.
When you understand the benefits of demonstrating empathy with your child, you will want to use this as often as the need presents itself. Empathy is sometimes confused with sympathy so we must differentiate the two terms. Empathy is simply a demonstration of feelings WITH them, identifying with their feelings and matching their feelings. Empathy is connecting to and bonding with the other individual, in this case, your children. When you are in an empathic state, your feelings are not important, only the feelings of your child. Naturally you want to help the other person, but you do it from THEIR perspective and not YOUR perspective. You can ask plenty of questions that may influence their thinking about their circumstances, but you must be careful and not advise based on your own thinking. Don't hi-jack the conversation. You must remain Child-Centered and not Self-Centered.
I have told my students that they should keep in mind that, while they are in the empathic role, they don’t exist, only the other person and their feelings exist. So, with this in mind, you are not going to do internal scanning, searching for their answers. And you are not going to steer them based on what you think should happen without complete regard for how they are feeling. The center of focus is always on them and not you. What you express is based on what they are saying. Their perspective is your guiding force. Their view is the view for you to internalize, not yours. In this way, you won’t steal the conversation, by switching the focus from them to you. This happens all the time in conversations.
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